I believe that working a 12 step program through once (or even twice) was a necessary process on my spiritual path. I now know I needed that work in order to crack the shell of my ego…the part of me that was running things without my permission or even knowledge. Initial 12 step work is like the Big Book story where the man is on a bridge with his pants on fire and is advised instead of asking “Why?!” just jump in and put out the fire! That is what my first time through the steps was…putting out the fire. That is what began to crack the shell of my ego.
I have been in recovery for 20 years and many times during those two decades I flirted with the idea of leaving. I didn’t leave for two reasons. The first is because I knew that the program had saved my life and the second is because I knew that I could use the program to help save other people’s lives. I just knew it. I have seen so many people come into the rooms and realize (for the first time) that they are the author of their own problems. We learn in Step 4 that we actually played a part in the problems that face us. It truly isn’t always the other guy’s fault. That is when the ego begins to crack open. There is a freedom in understanding that I am not a leaf on the wind…I actually CAUSED some of this! YAY!
Then comes the time, beyond acceptance of this fact, when I found myself feeling contemptuous of the person I finally realized I was. I began “working on myself” by going through the steps again and again from a place of self-contempt that I actually called “self-acceptance”. Someone suggested “List your assets”. My defects list was huge, my asset list was pathetic. My God was self-contempt. I spent many years working the steps over and over going deeper and deeper into self-contempt. (I don’t use the term self-hatred because hatred to me is that I would literally stab the person in front of me if I HATED them. I don’t hate anyone or myself.) I did, however, think of myself with language like “Seriously? This is the best you can do? You are such an idiot. Such a loser.” I would sneer at that loser girl with such contempt. Contempt…relentless contempt.
I found that this wonderful program that had saved my life was somehow unable to move me into truly living happy, joyous and free. I longed for that life. I WORKED for that life…but I wasn’t getting it. I could have continued to blame myself (“Of course you don’t get it, you are an idiot”) I could have given up my program saying “This doesn’t work”. But I chose the third option. Bill W created the Big Book as an instruction guide for “putting out the fire”….but years after (when the fire has been out for a while) I needed something that used my 12 Step knowledge and experience but painted a Vision of what I could become with my defects in check. What does THAT look like? I know the promises on page 83-84 are awesome….but how do they apply in my specific life?
So I attended a book study on Allen Berger’s “Emotional Sobriety” (you can find that on SurrenderSchool.org ) and it moved me forward. I attended another course called “Step One Science” (also on SurrenderSchool.org) and it cracked the shell of my ego even more.
With that as a backdrop I began studying the Enneagram. As a 12 step practitioner I realized two things almost immediately
- My psyche built an ego structure to defend me as a child and (now that my 12 Step work cracked that ego structure) I need a Positive Vision of what my TRUE SELF looks like, acts like, and feels like. I want to RELAX into my True Self.
- SELF-CONTEMPT STALLS SPIRITUAL GROWTH (at least in me).
I don’t want a huge list of defects and a pathetic (and short) list of assets. I want a picture of what I am CAPABLE of being (without effort) because I AM WIRED THAT WAY!
Enter the TripleE12 Step Workshop.
The Workshop
I wanted the workshop to be a real workshop with at-home exercises each week that people work on and then come back and share their experiences as they work through the process of dissolving their ego shells. I knew that I had the ability to create such a workshop because my career in adult training was all about taking difficult concepts and turning them into tactical practical tasks to create change.
Like the 12 Steps the workshop is 12 weeks long (90 minutes each week) and the exercises are created in a gradient…beginning easy and getting more difficult each week. The exercises will tie YOUR ENNEAGRAM TYPE to the specific Step of the week so be sure you take the test (link on SurrenderSchool.org) so you have an idea of your Enneagram type as early as possible.
Using the Book
I selected “The Enneagram for Recovery” as the text of the course because I found it a good book to study at length (if you want to delve further into the Enneagram). The way we will use the book will be by reading a few paragraphs here and there and using some of the diagrams, etc. There will rarely be a full chapter of reading. Unless you already have a handle on both the 12 Steps and the Enneagram – the book might be confusing. So I will be very specific on assignments as the goal is to ENHANCE your 12 Step work with a good strong dose of the Enneagram. During each session I will cover the concepts of that chapter (making it easily understood) but we will not “cover the chapter” page by page. The book will probably be more helpful AFTER the Workshop is over as a reference. So…be glad you have the book but don’t feel like you need to read it all for the workshop. Just do the assignments for each week and you will truly enhance your 12 Step Program.
My hope
The goal of this course is to help you understand that your psyche built an ego structure (to protect you as a child) and working the 12 steps has begun the process of dissolving that structure. The better you understand the hidden driving forces the more easily you can envision a new less automatic way to be in the world. First you will know your motivations. Then you will compassionately “catch yourself in the act” and eventually you will be able to make a choice to use or not use the skills that underpin your defects. I am excited to share this with you.
Welcome aboard! Cheryl R