Enneagram Type 9: Step 4 – Surrender School

STEP 4: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

Resentment Inventory

For Type 9s, resentment often stems from feeling ignored, undervalued, or overlooked. They may harbor feelings of frustration when their needs are not acknowledged or when they perceive that they are being pushed to confront conflicts they would rather avoid. Their tendency to avoid conflicts and merge with others can lead to unspoken resentments.

Resentment Launch Questions:

Who do I resent for not acknowledging or valuing my needs and desires?
What situations make me feel overlooked or dismissed, leading to resentment?
How do I react when I feel pressured to confront conflicts or make decisions?
Where have I avoided addressing issues that lead to passive-aggressive feelings?

Create your own Resentment Form: Click here to download a blank Resentment form.

You can use some of these examples: Click here to download the Example Resentment Form below.

Example Resentment Form

Who/What I Resent	Why I Resent Them	How It Affects Me	My Part in It
My partner	They make decisions without consulting me.	I feel ignored, disrespected, and unimportant.	I avoid discussing my needs and let decisions be made without my input.
My friend	They always choose activities that don’t consider my preferences.	I feel left out, unvalued, and disconnected from them.	I go along with their choices instead of expressing my own desires.
My family	They don’t take my opinions seriously during family decisions.	I feel neglected, frustrated, and marginalized.	I don’t assert my opinions or engage in decision-making processes.
My coworker	They take credit for my ideas and contributions.	I feel unappreciated, resentful, and disconnected from the team.	I avoid confronting the issue and let my frustrations build up.
My neighbor	They frequently disturb my sense of peace and quiet.	I feel irritated, disrespected, and agitated.	I avoid addressing the disturbances directly.
A community leader	They impose decisions without considering my input.	I feel frustrated, excluded, and unimportant.	I remain passive and don’t voice my concerns.
A service provider	They frequently fail to meet my needs or expectations.	I feel overlooked, frustrated, and taken advantage of.	I don’t communicate my dissatisfaction or address the issues directly.
A group project partner	They disregard my suggestions and push their own agenda.	I feel dismissed, unvalued, and unmotivated.	I don’t stand up for my ideas or engage in discussions.
Myself	I avoid addressing conflicts and putting my needs first.	I feel unfulfilled, disconnected, and resentful towards myself.	I avoid facing my own desires and needs, leading to passive aggression.

Fear Inventory

For Type 9s, fear often revolves around conflict and disconnection. They may fear that addressing conflicts or asserting their needs will lead to discord or loss of harmony, which can cause them to avoid necessary confrontations and suppress their true feelings.

Fear Launch Questions:

What am I most afraid of when it comes to addressing conflicts or disagreements?
Where do I fear losing harmony or causing disharmony if I speak up or assert myself?
How does my fear of disconnection influence my willingness to engage in difficult conversations?
How do I avoid dealing with situations that might lead to confrontation or discomfort?

Create your own Resentment Form: Click here to download a blank Fear Form.

You can use some of these examples: Click here to download the Example Fear Form below.

Example Fear Form

Fear	What I Do In Response	How What I Do Makes Me Feel	How What I Do Affects Others	What Would GOD Have Me Be
Fear of conflict	I avoid discussing issues or disagreements and minimize problems.	I feel passive, disconnected, and unresolved.	Others feel frustrated by my silence.	Honest and kind in addressing conflicts, trusting God.
Fear of disconnection	I go along with others’ wishes to maintain harmony, suppressing my own needs.	I feel unfulfilled and resentful, while my needs remain unmet.	Others feel I’m disengaged and unauthentic.	Open and authentic, trusting God to sustain my connections.
Fear of rejection	I don’t assert my opinions or desires to avoid disapproval, and I merge with others.	I feel ignored and disconnected, leading to self-doubt.	Others feel I’m holding back my true self.	Confident in God’s love, embracing my true self.
Fear of losing harmony	I avoid making decisions or expressing disagreements, and I procrastinate.	I feel passive and unable to influence outcomes.	Others may feel burdened by my inaction.	Confident and decisive, trusting in God’s guidance.
Fear of responsibility	I procrastinate or avoid tasks to stay in my comfort zone, and I numb myself.	I feel stuck, stagnant, and overwhelmed.	Others feel unsupported or burdened by my inaction.	Trusting God to give me strength to face challenges.
Fear of assertiveness	I struggle to voice my needs and desires, and I downplay my importance.	I feel unimportant and taken for granted.	Others feel disconnected from my true self.	Honest and open, trusting God to guide my words.
Fear of change	I resist making changes or taking new actions, and I maintain routines.	I feel stagnant and resistant to growth.	Others may feel held back or unsupported.	Trusting God’s plan and embracing growth opportunities.
Fear of confrontation	I let issues build up rather than addressing them, and I use passive aggression.	I experience passive-aggressive feelings and unresolved tension.	Others feel confused and frustrated.	Calm and open, trusting God to help me resolve conflict.
Fear of rejection	I hold back my opinions and feelings to avoid rejection, and I minimize myself.	I feel disconnected from myself and others.	Others feel disconnected from me as well.	Trusting God’s acceptance and sharing authentically.

Harm Inventory

For Type 9s, acknowledging the harm done involves recognizing how their avoidance and passivity may have negatively impacted others. This includes understanding how their desire for peace may have led to neglecting important issues or failing to address conflicts effectively.

Harm Launch Questions:

Where have I avoided addressing important issues, causing harm to others?
When have I failed to communicate my needs or feelings, leading to misunderstandings or resentment?
How have I been passive or disengaged in situations where my involvement was crucial?
How has my tendency to avoid discomfort led to harm or neglect in my relationships?

Create your own Harm Form: Click here to download a blank Harm Form.

You can use some of these examples: Click here to download the Example Harm Form below.

Example Harm Form

Who I Harmed	What I Did	How It Harmed Them or Myself	What I Should Have Done Instead
My partner	Avoided discussing our issues and didn’t address their concerns.	They felt neglected, unheard, and frustrated.	Engaged in honest conversations and shared my feelings.
My friend	Didn’t express my true feelings when I felt hurt or excluded.	They felt disconnected and confused.	Communicated openly and expressed my needs.
My family	Avoided family disagreements and didn’t take a stand.	They felt I was disengaged and unhelpful.	Asserted my perspective calmly and constructively.
My coworker	Failed to speak up about work issues or challenges.	They felt unsupported and frustrated.	Addressed issues directly and communicated openly.
My neighbor	Ignored problems with shared responsibilities.	They felt burdened and frustrated.	Proactively discussed solutions and took responsibility.
A community group	Didn’t participate fully or share my views.	They missed out on my contributions and felt unsupported.	Shared my thoughts and actively engaged in the group.
A service provider	Failed to communicate dissatisfaction or needs clearly.	They felt unable to meet my expectations.	Expressed my concerns directly and respectfully.
Myself	Neglected self-care to focus on keeping others happy.	I felt burned out and disconnected from myself.	Prioritized my own well-being and communicated boundaries.
A group project partner	Let others take charge and didn’t contribute fully.	They felt frustrated by my lack of involvement.	Actively participated and shared my ideas.

Congratulations on Competing Step 4!

Summary:

For Type 9s, working Step 4 involves a comprehensive examination of how their avoidance of conflict and desire for peace has impacted their relationships and sense of self. By delving into their resentments, fears, and the harm they’ve caused, Type 9s can begin to understand how their passivity and conflict avoidance affect their lives and those around them. This process helps Type 9s take responsibility for their actions, confront their avoidance patterns, and work towards more active and engaged participation in their relationships and personal growth.