Enneagram Type 2: Step 4 – Surrender School

STEP 4: “Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.”

Resentment Inventory

For Type 2s, resentment often stems from feeling unappreciated, rejected, or taken for granted after they have poured their energy into helping others. They may resent people for not reciprocating their care or for failing to acknowledge their efforts. This resentment is fueled by their need to feel loved and valued, coupled with the pride that tells them they don’t need help or attention themselves.

Resentment Launch Questions:

In what ways do I feel resentful when others don’t recognize or appreciate my help?
Where do I offer help or support, expecting something in return?
How do I create situations where others rely on me, but I then feel resentful for doing so?
How do I expect others to meet my emotional needs, even when I don’t voice them?

Create your own Resentment Form: Click here to download a blank Resentment Form.

You can use some of these examples: Click here to download the Example Resentment Form below.

Example Resentment Form

Who/What I Resent	Why I Resent Them	How It Affects Me (Self-Esteem, Pride, Relationships)	My Part in It
My spouse	They don’t notice all the work I do at home.	I feel invisible, unworthy, and drained.	I expect them to notice without communicating my needs.
My boss	They don’t appreciate my contributions.	I feel undervalued and overburdened.	I volunteer for extra tasks expecting recognition.
A friend	They never reach out first in our friendship.	I feel unimportant and question their care for me.	I overextend myself to maintain the relationship.
My parent	They criticize me despite all I do for them.	I feel I’m not good enough, leading to resentment.	I keep seeking their approval, hoping they’ll validate me.
A sibling	They expect me to handle family issues.	It creates resentment and makes me feel overly burdened.	I assume too much responsibility without asking for help.
My recovery sponsor	They don’t acknowledge how much I support them emotionally.	I feel unimportant and unseen.	I offer too much of myself without being asked, expecting gratitude.
My child	They don’t express gratitude for my care.	I feel drained and unappreciated.	I haven’t set boundaries, expecting them to validate me.
A co-worker	They take credit for work I helped with.	I feel taken advantage of and overlooked.	I offer help but don’t clarify my role or ask for recognition.
A recovery group member	They don’t take my advice or accept my help.	It makes me feel useless and unneeded.	I give unsolicited advice and expect to be appreciated for it.

Fear Inventory

Type 2s fear being unloved, unneeded, or abandoned. This fear drives them to act in ways that cause over-giving, manipulation, or denial of their own needs. They must face the deep-seated fear of worthlessness.

Fear Launch Questions:

How does my fear of being unloved affect my actions in relationships?
Where am I afraid to assert my own needs for fear of rejection?
Do I give to others because I’m afraid they won’t need me anymore if I don’t?
Where does my fear of loneliness show up, and how does it affect my eating habits?

Create your own Fear Form: Click here to download a blank Fear Form.

You can use some of these examples: Click here to download the Example Fear Form below.

Example Fear Form

Fear	What I Do In Response	How What I Do Makes Me Feel	How What I Do Affects Others	What Would GOD Have Me Be
Fear of being unloved	I overextend myself, manipulate, and become overly helpful to gain love.	I feel burned out, resentful, and undervalued.	Others feel pressured, smothered, and manipulated.	Trusting that I’m loved for who I am, not what I do.
Fear of rejection	I avoid expressing my needs, become passive-aggressive, and act overly agreeable.	I feel resentful, misunderstood, and unappreciated.	Others feel confused, don’t understand my needs, and disconnected.	Honest and open about my needs and feelings.
Fear of abandonment	I become clingy, overly accommodating, and manipulate to maintain relationships.	I feel insecure, dependent, and anxious.	Others feel I’m overly dependent, smothered, and controlled.	Secure in myself and my relationships.
Fear of failure	I become controlling, overbearing, and put pressure on myself and others.	I feel stressed, overwhelmed, and pressured.	Others feel controlled, pressured, and inadequate.	Trusting that mistakes are opportunities for growth.
Fear of being unnecessary	I constantly give, manipulate to be needed, and ignore my own needs.	I feel insecure, empty, and resentful.	Others feel overwhelmed, manipulated, and burdened.	Trusting that I have worth beyond what I do.
Fear of conflict	I avoid addressing issues, suppress emotions, and become passive-aggressive.	I feel resentful, disconnected, and misunderstood.	Others feel disconnected, confused, and frustrated.	Brave and kind in addressing conflicts.
Fear of being criticized	I become hypersensitive to feedback, manipulate to avoid criticism, and become defensive.	I feel hurt, anxious, and misunderstood.	Others feel they must walk on eggshells, frustrated, and unable to connect.	Trusting that my worth isn’t tied to others’ opinions.
Fear of loneliness	I become overly dependent, manipulate to maintain relationships, and ignore my own needs.	I feel isolated, empty, and anxious.	Others feel I’m overly dependent, smothered, and burdened.	Trusting that I’m whole and loved even when alone.
Fear of losing control	I micromanage relationships, manipulate to control perceptions, and become overly helpful.	I feel anxious, stressed, and resentful.	Others may feel controlled, manipulated, and distrusted.	Trusting in God to guide me and letting go of control.

Harm Inventory

Type 2s need to recognize how their well-intentioned acts of helping can sometimes harm others. Their desire to be indispensable often results in controlling behavior or enabling dependency.

Harm Launch Questions:

In what ways have I enabled others by doing too much for them?
Where have I over-given, expecting love or gratitude in return?
How has my need to be helpful caused me to manipulate others?
Where have I neglected to set healthy boundaries, causing emotional harm to myself or others?

Create your own Harm Form: Click here to download a blank Harm Form.

You can use some of these examples: Click here to download the Example Harm Form below.

Example Harm Form

Who I Harmed	What I Did	How I Harmed Them (or Myself)	What I Should Have Done Instead
My spouse	Overextended myself to meet their needs without expressing my own.	Made them feel guilty and distanced; neglected my self-care.	Communicated my needs and set boundaries.
My child	Did too much for them, making them dependent on me.	Enabled their lack of independence, causing resentment.	Allowed them to take responsibility and experience consequences.
A close friend	Tried to “fix” all their problems without being asked.	Made them feel overwhelmed and pushed them away emotionally.	Waited to be asked and respected their autonomy.
My parent	Gave too much in hopes of earning their approval.	Reinforced unhealthy dynamics, harming my self-esteem.	Accepted that their approval isn’t necessary for my worth.
A recovery group member	Pushed advice and emotional support on them when they didn’t ask.	Created dependency and resentment, harming the relationship.	Allowed them to come to me for help if and when needed.
My sibling	Took over family responsibilities without asking for help.	Built resentment, feeling unsupported and drained.	Asked for help and shared responsibilities equally.
A co-worker	Took on too much work to prove my value, then resented them.	Created a one-sided dynamic where I felt overburdened and unappreciated.	Set boundaries around my work and communicated my needs.
My friend	Over-gave emotionally, expecting love and validation in return.	Made the relationship feel one-sided, leading to burnout.	Maintained balance by giving less and expecting nothing in return.
Myself	Ignored my needs, overeating to cope with the stress of helping others.	Led to emotional and physical harm through neglect and overeating.	Prioritized self-care, setting limits on my time and energy.

Congratulations on Competing Step 4!

Summary:

Working Step 4 at Surrender School encourages Type 2s to delve into the underlying motivations behind their actions, particularly the compulsion to gain approval and affection through self-sacrifice. This introspection helps them recognize how such behaviors may have led to resentment, burnout, and unhealthy coping mechanisms like overeating.

In Step 5 you will work with your sponsor (or other trusted person) to reflect on your resentment, fears, and harms done inventories. You will gain additional insight into how you may manipulate others through giving/over-giving, avoiding to set boundaries, and denying your own needs. Together you will review your inventory and identify these patterns (and others) and your character defenses, and how they harm yourself and others. By continuing to work step 5 and beyond, you will move toward more balanced relationships where you give without expecting anything in return and learn to love yourself just as you are, not for what you do. Now on to Step 5.