Enneagram Type 9: Working Step 8 in Overeaters Anonymous
Step 8: “Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”
For Enneagram Type 9s, the “Peacemakers,” working Step 8 requires addressing how their avoidance of conflict and tendency to “go along to get along” may have caused harm to others. Type 9s often suppress their needs and avoid direct communication, leading to passive-aggressive behavior or emotional neglect in relationships. While they strive for inner and outer peace, this can result in emotional disengagement or resentment building up over time. In Step 8, Type 9s must confront how their avoidance of confrontation and disconnection from their own desires may have harmed their relationships and become willing to make amends.
Here’s a guide for Type 9s to deeply work Step 8:
1. Reflect on Harm Caused by Avoidance and Inaction
Type 9s may cause harm not through direct action, but through inaction or avoidance of difficult conversations and situations. Consider how your tendency to avoid conflict may have led to unresolved issues in your relationships.
Questions to ask:
- How has my avoidance of conflict caused harm to others, either by neglecting their needs or failing to address important issues?
- In what ways have I disengaged from relationships to maintain peace, and how has this affected others?
- How have I used passivity or silence to avoid dealing with difficult emotions or situations?
Example:
You might recognize that by avoiding addressing a long-standing issue with a friend or family member, you’ve allowed resentment to build up, damaging the relationship.
2. Identify Moments Where You Resented Others but Didn’t Speak Up
Type 9s often avoid voicing their own opinions or needs in order to keep the peace. This can lead to passive-aggressive behaviors or internal resentment, which can harm others, even if unintentionally.
Questions to ask:
- Have I held resentment toward others but failed to express it, allowing it to grow and harm the relationship?
- How has my desire to avoid conflict led to me withholding my true feelings from others?
- In what situations have I chosen to remain silent when I should have spoken up for myself or others?
Example:
You may remember times when you silently resented a coworker for overstepping boundaries but chose not to confront them, leading to increased frustration and passive-aggressive behavior.
3. Recognize Where Emotional Disconnection Has Harmed Relationships
Type 9s may emotionally “check out” of relationships as a way to avoid conflict or stress, which can leave loved ones feeling neglected or unimportant. Consider how your tendency to withdraw may have hurt others.
Questions to ask:
- In what ways have I emotionally disengaged from relationships, and how has this left others feeling hurt or neglected?
- Have I been physically present but emotionally distant in key relationships, leaving others feeling unsupported or unloved?
- How has my fear of conflict led to me withdrawing from important connections in my life?
Example:
You might realize that by retreating emotionally during family conflicts, you’ve left your partner or children feeling unsupported or ignored, even if you were physically present.
4. Make a List of People You Have Harmed Through Avoidance or Emotional Disengagement
Once you’ve reflected on your patterns of avoidance and emotional disengagement, make a list of the individuals who have been affected by these behaviors.
Steps to take:
- Write down the names of individuals who have been harmed by your failure to address conflict or engage emotionally.
- Be specific about the ways in which your avoidance or passivity has caused harm, whether through neglect, unspoken resentment, or withdrawal.
Questions to ask:
- Who has been harmed by my avoidance of conflict or my refusal to speak up in important situations?
- How have I hurt others by retreating emotionally or becoming passive when they needed my engagement or support?
- In what relationships have I allowed problems to fester due to my unwillingness to confront issues directly?
Example:
You might list a partner who has expressed frustration over your emotional distance during arguments or a close friend you’ve withdrawn from when they needed you the most.
5. Become Willing to Make Amends
For Type 9s, making amends involves stepping out of your comfort zone and engaging in potentially uncomfortable conversations. The key here is becoming willing to repair relationships by addressing conflicts or emotions that you’ve previously avoided.
Steps to take:
- Reflect on your willingness to engage with those you’ve hurt, even if it requires stepping into conflict or discomfort.
- Pray or meditate on becoming willing to confront issues head-on and repair relationships, knowing that this will lead to true peace rather than surface-level harmony.
Questions to ask:
- Am I willing to engage in uncomfortable conversations to repair relationships that have been harmed by my avoidance or emotional distance?
- How can I trust my Higher Power to guide me through the discomfort of making amends?
- Can I allow myself to face conflict, knowing that it will ultimately lead to deeper, more genuine connections?
Example:
You might pray for the courage to approach a loved one and acknowledge that your avoidance of difficult conversations has hurt them, even if you fear conflict.
Summary for Type 9s: Working Step 8
For Type 9s, working Step 8 in Overeaters Anonymous involves recognizing how their avoidance of conflict, emotional disengagement, and passive behaviors have caused harm to others. By reflecting on the ways their need for inner peace has led to emotional neglect or passive-aggressiveness, Type 9s can make a list of the people who have been affected by their behaviors. Becoming willing to make amends means stepping into uncomfortable territory and addressing unresolved issues directly, rather than continuing to avoid them. By doing so, Type 9s can repair relationships and build more authentic connections, leading to deeper inner peace and emotional sobriety.