Enneagram Type 2: Step 9

Enneagram Type 2: Working Step 9 in Overeaters Anonymous

Step 9: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.”

For Enneagram Type 2s, known as “The Helper,” working Step 9 involves acknowledging how their attempts to help others or meet others’ needs may have caused harm. While Type 2s are driven by their desire to be loved and appreciated, they can sometimes overextend themselves or manipulate relationships in subtle ways to gain approval. Making amends requires Type 2s to confront their patterns of people-pleasing, emotional dependency, and how their well-intentioned actions might have harmed others.

Steps for Type 2s to Work Step 9:

1. Acknowledge How Your Help Might Have Harmed Others

Type 2s thrive on helping and being of service, but sometimes their assistance comes with unspoken expectations or strings attached. Reflect on how your desire to be needed or loved may have led to harm in relationships.

Questions to ask:

  • Have I helped others in a way that made them feel obligated or indebted to me?
  • How has my need for appreciation or love influenced the way I give help or support?
  • Where in my relationships have I given more than was necessary or expected in hopes of receiving something in return?

Example:
You might realize that you took on extra responsibilities for a friend and felt hurt when they didn’t reciprocate or appreciate you, which created tension in the relationship.

2. Consider Times When You Overstepped Boundaries

Type 2s can sometimes overextend themselves by stepping into roles they weren’t asked to fill, often in an attempt to feel needed or useful. Reflect on where you may have overstepped boundaries in your relationships.

Questions to ask:

  • Where have I assumed that I knew what others needed without asking for their input or consent?
  • Have I ever imposed my help or advice on someone without considering whether they wanted or needed it?
  • In what ways have I crossed boundaries in an effort to feel more connected or valued?

Example:
You may recall times when you offered unsolicited advice or took control of a situation, thinking you were being helpful, but it made the other person feel undermined or disempowered.

3. Reflect on Your Emotional Manipulation or Dependency

As a Type 2, you may unconsciously use emotional manipulation to secure love or attention. In working Step 9, it’s important to recognize and make amends for the ways you may have relied on emotional dependency or manipulation to keep relationships intact.

Questions to ask:

  • Have I ever used guilt, flattery, or emotional pressure to keep someone close or to get what I want?
  • In what ways have I withheld my own needs or feelings to maintain harmony, later feeling resentful or hurt?
  • Have I ever put someone in a position where they felt responsible for my emotional well-being?

Example:
You might recognize that you’ve made others feel responsible for your happiness or guilt-tripped them into spending time with you, causing strain in the relationship.

4. Be Willing to Make Direct Amends Without Expectation

Type 2s often give with the hope of receiving love or validation in return. Step 9 asks you to make amends without expecting anything in return. It’s essential to approach amends with humility and a genuine desire to heal the relationship, rather than seeking acknowledgment or praise.

Steps to take:

  • Write down the people to whom you need to make amends, focusing on how your actions have impacted them, rather than on what you hope to gain.
  • Be honest and clear when making amends, acknowledging any expectations or emotional strings attached to your actions.

Questions to ask:

  • Am I willing to make amends without expecting love, forgiveness, or recognition in return?
  • How can I ensure that my amends come from a place of genuine healing rather than seeking validation?
  • In what ways can I express my regret and take responsibility for my actions while respecting the other person’s boundaries?

Example:
When making amends, you might say, “I realize that I was overly involved in your personal decisions, and that may have made you feel pressured or uncomfortable. I regret not respecting your boundaries, and I want to make things right without expecting anything in return.”

5. Focus on Healing, Not Self-Sacrifice

When making amends, Type 2s may fall into the trap of self-sacrifice, believing that by giving even more of themselves, they can make up for past harms. However, true amends come from a place of balance—taking responsibility for harm caused while maintaining your own sense of self-worth.

Steps to take:

  • Avoid overcompensating by offering more help or support than is necessary.
  • Focus on healing the relationship through honest communication, rather than offering excessive gestures or acts of service.
  • Ensure that you’re not falling back into patterns of people-pleasing or self-neglect in an attempt to “fix” the situation.

Questions to ask:

  • How can I make amends without falling into patterns of over-giving or self-sacrifice?
  • In what ways can I prioritize mutual healing and respect, rather than trying to “fix” everything on my own?
  • Am I making these amends because it’s the right thing to do, or because I want to feel needed again?

Example:
Instead of offering to take on more responsibilities or trying to “earn back” someone’s affection, you might say, “I recognize that my actions may have hurt you, and I’m committed to being more mindful in the future. I’d like to rebuild our relationship in a healthy, balanced way.”

6. Make Amends for Neglecting Your Own Needs

Type 2s often neglect their own needs in favor of taking care of others, which can lead to burnout, resentment, and passive-aggressive behavior. Making amends also involves recognizing where you’ve harmed yourself by ignoring your own well-being.

Steps to take:

  • Reflect on how neglecting your own needs has affected your relationships, particularly if it has led to unspoken resentment or emotional exhaustion.
  • Make amends by committing to a healthier balance between caring for yourself and others.

Questions to ask:

  • Have I neglected my own needs, leading to burnout and resentment in my relationships?
  • How has my tendency to over-give affected my emotional and physical health, and how can I make amends to myself?
  • What boundaries can I set to ensure that I don’t repeat these patterns in the future?

Example:
You might say to yourself, “I’m sorry for not prioritizing my own needs, which has caused me to feel resentful and drained. I commit to setting better boundaries and taking care of my own well-being, so I can show up more fully in my relationships.”

Summary for Type 2s: Working Step 9

For Type 2s, working Step 9 in Overeaters Anonymous involves recognizing how their desire to help, be loved, and be needed may have caused harm in relationships. By reflecting on how their patterns of over-giving, emotional manipulation, and neglect of personal boundaries have affected others, Type 2s can make a list of people to whom they owe amends. The key to making amends is approaching each situation with humility, without expecting love or validation in return. Additionally, Type 2s should make amends to themselves for neglecting their own needs and set healthy boundaries moving forward. This step is an opportunity for deeper connection and more balanced, authentic relationships.