Step 8: “Made a list of all persons we had harmed and became willing to make amends to them all.”
For Enneagram Type 9s, Step 8 at Surrender School focuses on developing the willingness to make amends. As natural peacemakers, Nines tend to avoid conflict, minimize their own needs, and numb out tension in order to maintain inner and outer harmony. But this desire for peace can lead to passivity, avoidance, and emotional absence—harming others through neglect, silence, or withdrawal.
Working Step 8 involves revisiting your Step 4 Harm Form and Step 6 Defense Analysis to identify moments when your ego defenses protected you in ways that caused harm. You’ll explore any resistance that arises, so you can face what still blocks you and grow in spiritual willingness to make honest and meaningful amends.
This step culminates in the creation of your Step 8 Willingness Assessment—a tool to name the harm, identify the type of amends needed, and prepare your heart with spiritual readiness for Step 9.
Step-by-Step: How to Complete Your Willingness Assessment
Before you Begin
- Download the Example Willingness Assessment (PDF) and the Blank Willingness Assessment (PDF)
- Gather and Read these 3 items
- Step 4 Harm Form
- Step 6 Defense Analysis
- Step 6 Readiness Assessment
- Pray — ask your Higher Power to help you see clearly and to increase your willingness.
- Review the example — Read through the example to ground yourself
Example Willingness Assessment – Type 9
| My Reactive Behavior | Obstacle to Willingness | Type of Amends (Explain if not Direct Amends) |
|---|---|---|
| Emily (My Partner) – Withdrew emotionally and pretended everything was fine instead of expressing my needs or concerns. | Fear of conflict and a belief that my needs don’t matter. I need to forgive myself for going silent and forgive her for not noticing. | Direct + Living Amends — Express needs honestly and in a timely way, even when uncomfortable. |
| Jack (My Brother) – Said yes to things I didn’t want to do, then built up resentment and gave him the silent treatment. | People-pleasing and avoidance. I need to forgive myself for not setting boundaries. | Direct + Living Amends — Say “no” calmly and clearly. Take ownership of avoiding honest conversations. |
| Mom and Dad – Didn’t engage in difficult conversations. Avoided sharing my views especially when I disagreed. | Fear of disconnection or disapproval. I need to forgive them for telling me to be quiet, and forgive myself for giving up my voice. | Living Amends + Share my honest perspective with care, even when risking disagreement. |
| Trina (Friend) – Let her dominate our plans and choices, then withdrew or avoided her instead of speaking up. | Fear of confrontation. Self-erasure. I need to forgive myself for not showing up authentically and her for not noticing my discomfort. | Direct + Living Amends — Be honest about my preferences and speak up and have a voice. |
| My Recovery Group – Stayed quiet during meetings even when I had something meaningful to share. | Fear of taking up space and feeling like I don’t matter. I need to forgive myself for withholding connection and the group for not inviting me in. | Living Amends — Speak from the heart when moved, trusting that my voice belongs. |
| Grace (Coworker) – Ignored her repeated requests for input, then resented her for making all the decisions. | Procrastination and conflict avoidance. I need to forgive myself for checking out and her for stepping in. | Direct Amends + Living Amends— Show up consistently moving forward. |
| Myself – Neglected my physical health and emotional needs by constantly deferring to others and avoiding self-care. | Complacency and denial. I need to forgive myself for not prioritizing my well-being. | Living Amends — Make consistent choices that honor my body, mind, and heart. |
| Higher Power – Disengaged from spiritual connection, only praying when I was desperate or overwhelmed. | Spiritual passivity. I need to forgive myself for treating God like a last resort. | Prayer + Inner Work — Develop a regular relationship rooted in trust and presence. |
Spiritual Discernment: Do I Owe an Amends?
Review your Step 4 Harm Form. Amends are only needed when your actions came from your defenses and resulted in real emotional, physical, financial, or spiritual harm. Simply having negative thoughts or feelings about someone does not require an amends. Amends are also not needed when you were honest, kind, and clear—and someone was simply uncomfortable with the truth.
Reflect on each harm listed on your Step 4 Harm Form. For each harm, write the name/institution and the specific behavior that caused real harm in Column 1 of your Willingness Assessment. Revisit your Step 6 Defense Analysis. Add any people you harmed while operating from emotional withdrawal, conflict avoidance, passivity, or self-erasure—even if you left them off your Step 4 list.
To determine whether real harm was caused in each instance, ask yourself:
- Was the harm rooted in fear, avoidance, denial, emotional withdrawal, or passive resistance—even if I had good intentions?
- Did I cause emotional, physical, financial, or spiritual harm—even subtly or indirectly?
- Was I speaking necessary truth in love—or avoiding conflict at all costs?
- Would making amends now repair something—or just relieve guilt or avoid discomfort?
Type 9 Reminder: Be honest with yourself. You may be tempted to think, “It wasn’t a big deal,” or “They never said anything.” But if your behavior was fueled by avoidance, inertia, or emotional withdrawal, you likely caused harm. Step 8 isn’t about blaming yourself; it’s about restoring connection and reclaiming integrity. When in doubt, ask your Higher Power or a trusted guide.
Obstacles to Willingness
What makes it difficult to become willing? For Type 9s, the pull toward comfort and peacekeeping often leads the charge—convincing you that the harm wasn’t a big deal, that others probably forgot, or that bringing it up now would just create more tension.
Common Type 9 obstacles include:
- Inertia: Feeling overwhelmed or unsure where to start, so you put it off
- Avoidance: Not wanting to stir up old tension, disrupt peace, or revisit discomfort
- Minimization: Telling yourself, “It wasn’t that bad,” or “They probably forgot”
- Loss of Identity: Fear that if you speak up or take responsibility, you’ll lose your sense of self or connection
- Emotional Numbing: Not feeling the urgency because you’re disconnected from your deeper feelings
- Lack of Forgiveness: Believing that if you didn’t mean to cause harm, you shouldn’t have to make amends. Underneath this may be passive resentment or a refusal to fully acknowledge your impact.
Reflection Questions:
- What peacekeeping habit is still driving my avoidance—or keeping me from addressing the harm I’ve caused?
- Where have I disappeared instead of shown up—and what do I need to forgive in myself or others?
- What do I need to forgive in myself or others?
Examples:
- Forgiving someone for pushing you aside or ignoring your voice
- Letting go of resentment toward people who pressured or overwhelmed you
- Forgiving yourself for disappearing emotionally or spiritually
- Releasing the belief that taking up space or rocking the boat is wrong
* Ask your Higher Power to help you move through these blocks with honesty, courage, and clarity. Willingness doesn’t mean you’re ready to do everything perfectly—it means you’re open to the next step.
What Type of Amends Will I Make?
Once you’ve identified the harm and your obstacles, it’s time to consider what kind of amends each relationship needs.
Types of amends:
- Direct Amends – Face-to-face acknowledgment of harm, with a sincere offer to make it right.
- Living Amends – A lasting change in behavior. You can use your Step 6 Defense Readiness Assessment Table to help indicate the opposite behavior that you will practice.
- Indirect Amends – When direct contact isn’t possible (due to death, distance, or boundaries), make a symbolic or service-based gesture (perhaps prayer, service, or other symbolic action).
- Prayer / Inner Work – For cases where direct amends would cause harm or reinforce unhealthy dynamics, or when the healing must begin within.
* If you are unsure about what type of amends to make, write “unclear,” then ask your sponsor or a fellow traveler for help.
* Tip for Type 9s: Living Amends are not about being agreeable. They’re about being real—present, honest, and engaged.
Ask Your Higher Power for Willingness
You know you’re becoming ready to make amends when you can say,
“I’m sorry I…”
If you’re still saying,
“I’m sorry you…” or “I’m sorry that…”,
you may need more time—and that’s okay.
Step 8 is not about rushing. It’s about becoming spiritually willing, one relationship at a time.
Prayer for Willingness
Higher Power,
Please help me become willing to make amends.
When I want to withdraw or go quiet, help me find my voice.
When I feel the urge to avoid or delay, help me stay present.
Where I feel foggy, plant clarity.
Where I feel fear, plant courage.
Where I feel resistance, plant honesty.
Show me how to walk toward healing—not to keep the peace, but to restore true connection and wholeness.
“I trust that becoming willing is a courageous act.”
Amen.
Summary for Type 9
Step 8 for Type 9s prepares the heart for healing by softening the fog of inertia, avoidance, and conflict aversion. It’s a sacred invitation to take responsibility for harm and begin making amends—with willingness becoming the bridge between emotional numbing and true connection.
By drawing on the clarity, courage, and self-awareness developed in Steps 4–7—and asking your Higher Power for the willingness to repair your relationships—you begin to release the defenses that once made you feel safe but now keep you distant. This is how you move from disappearing to showing up—from avoiding tension to engaging with honesty and presence. As you take gentle, sincere action and acknowledge the harm you’ve caused, you move closer to the peace and belonging your heart has always longed for.